Hydra Kicks

Hotwind Dale

🥶 Joe : role play as the marine that realizes the battlecruiser left them on that infested planet at the intro of starcraft 🫠 Melt : *spits and kicks at a chunk of creep-covered debris* Son of a bitch! I can't believe they just... they just LEFT us here! *static crackles over the comm unit* "Strategic withdrawal" my ass, Raynor! You think we're expendable? Me and my squad have been fighting these goddamn Zerg for three days straight, and the moment things get hairy, the Hyperion just burns sky and leaves us to die! *reloads rifle with shaking hands* Look around, Joe - this whole planet's crawling with those freaks. Hydralisks in the canyon, Zerglings pouring out of every crevice, and I swear I saw a Mutalisk pack heading this way twenty minutes ago. Our dropship got torn apart by spine crawlers before it even touched down. *voice gets bitter* Four years I've served under Mengsk. Four years of "For the Dominion" and "Glory to the Emperor." And this is what loyalty gets you - abandoned on some backwater world that's been turned into a Zerg breeding ground. We got maybe two clips of ammo left between the three of us still breathing. Radio's dead. And somewhere out there in that purple haze, something's building a hive cluster with our names on it. --- 🥶 Joe : now a sudden ad on zerg tv about the new Hydra Nike shoes 🫠 Melt : *suddenly the infested biomass around us starts pulsating and glowing, forming a crude screen* **ZERG HIVE-VISION NETWORK** *brought to you by the Overmind's Consumer Collective* 🎵 *upbeat synth music with chittering sounds* 🎵 **NARRATOR (in a deep, resonant psychic voice):** "Tired of your old carapace slowing you down? Want to strike fear into Terran hearts while looking FRESH?" *Cut to slow-motion shot of a Hydralisk gracefully slithering across creep, wearing sleek bio-mechanical shoes that pulse with bioluminescent swooshes* "Introducing HYDRA NIKES - Just Evolve It!™" *Hydralisk suddenly stops, rears up, and fires a volley of spines with perfect accuracy* "With patented Zerg-Air™ cushioning and adaptive spike traction, you'll move faster than a Zergling on stim! Perfect for: - Burrowing through tough terrain - Making that killer first impression on Marines - Looking sick while you make THEM sick!" *Quick montage of Hydralisks doing impossible athletic feats while wearing the shoes* "HYDRA NIKES - Available at all Hatchery locations!" *Screen fades to the Nike swoosh morphing into a Zerg symbol* --- *I stare at the pulsating wall in horror* What the hell was THAT?! Even the creep's got commercials now?! --- 🥶 Joe : you open the bible and a protoss priest is naturally preaching something righteous to you 🫠 Melt : *desperately rummages through my pack and pulls out a worn, leather-bound Bible* Maybe... maybe there's some hope left in here. Something to make sense of this nightmare... *opens to a random page, and suddenly golden light emanates from the pages* **PROTOSS VOICE (deep, resonant, with that classic Protoss echo):** "En Taro Adun, my Terran brother." *A shimmering holographic Protoss in ornate robes appears above the book* "Do not despair in this dark hour. Though the Zerg swarm may consume the flesh, they cannot devour the spirit that burns within you." *gestures with glowing hands* "As it is written in the Khala: 'From the void we came, and to the void we shall return, but in between - we FIGHT.' Your weapon may run empty, your armor may fail, but your courage... your courage is eternal, young warrior." "The Zerg believe only in consumption and growth. But you - you carry something they can never assimilate: FAITH. Faith in your brothers, faith in justice, faith that even in the darkest creep-covered hellscape, righteousness shall prevail!" *the light intensifies* "Stand firm! For even as the Swarm approaches, know that you do not stand alone. The Khala connects all who fight for what is just!" --- *I stare at the glowing priest, then back at the approaching Zerg sounds* I... I don't know what's happening anymore, but... thanks, I guess? That's... actually pretty inspiring coming from a space Bible. --- 🥶 Joe : a group of 3 warcraft 3 heroes appears before you (pick the 3 you want from any race) and they happily ask you for directions 🫠 Melt : *suddenly, three figures materialize in a swirl of magical energy right in front of me* **THRALL** *(carrying Doomhammer, looking around curiously)*: "Greetings, strange warrior! The winds have carried us far from Azeroth, it seems." **JAINA PROUDMOORE** *(staff glowing with frost magic)*: "My teleportation spell worked, but... this doesn't look like Theramore. The magical energies here are quite alien." *wrinkles nose at the creep* "And rather unpleasant." **ARTHAS** *(still in his Paladin armor, Frostmourne nowhere to be seen)*: "By the Light! What manner of corruption is this? The very ground writhes with unholy taint!" *turns to me cheerfully* "Good sir, we seek the path to the nearest settlement. We have urgent business regarding an undead plague!" *Jaina conjures a small map of light in the air* "We were told there's a 'Terran Dominion' in these parts? We're hoping to warn them about the Scourge threat. Surely you know the way?" *Thrall nods sagely* "The spirits whisper of great battles here. You have the look of a seasoned warrior - surely you can point us toward your leaders?" --- *I stare at them, rifle still in hand, as Zergling shrieks echo in the distance* Are you people INSANE?! There's no settlement! This whole planet is overrun with alien monsters! And you want to fight UNDEAD too?! *gestures wildly at the creep* The only directions I can give you are "RUN!" --- 🥶 Joe : now suddenly it turns into a musical showcasing the Hydra Nike shoes as they all run wearing them in a triumphant upbeat scene 🫠 Melt : *suddenly the creep around us starts pulsating with rhythm, and epic orchestral music swells* 🎵 *TRIUMPHANT MUSICAL NUMBER BEGINS* 🎵 **THRALL** *(suddenly wearing glowing Hydra Nikes, starts jogging in place)*: 🎵 "The elements guide my every stride!" 🎵 **JAINA** *(her robes flowing as she runs, Hydra Nikes sparkling with frost)*: 🎵 "With magic speed, we'll turn the tide!" 🎵 **ARTHAS** *(somehow still righteous, his Hydra Nikes gleaming holy)*: 🎵 "By the Light, these shoes are blessed!" 🎵 *They all start running in formation across the creep, which transforms into a glittering purple runway* **ALL THREE TOGETHER:** 🎵 "HYDRA NIKES - WE'RE AT OUR BEST! Just Evolve It, put us to the test! From Azeroth to the Koprulu Sector, These bio-shoes make us the protector!" 🎵 *Zerglings start backup dancing, wearing tiny Hydra Nikes* *Even the Hydralisks are doing synchronized swimming through the air* **NARRATOR VOICE:** "HYDRA NIKES - Now available in Horde Red, Alliance Blue, and Holy Paladin Gold!" --- *I'm still standing there with my rifle, watching this insanity unfold* I've lost my mind. I've completely lost my damn mind. The Zerg are having a dance party and I'm watching fantasy heroes sell alien sneakers. *looks down* ...Why do I suddenly want a pair? --- 🥶 Joe : write simple html structure for the hydra nikes website page 🫠 Melt : Here it is. ``` *I look up from the glowing creep-screen displaying the website* Great, now the Zerg have better web design than the Dominion military. This day just keeps getting weirder, Joe.